When I woke again, I was more then a little surprised to find the weight on my eyes gone.  I opened them slowly, knowing that if I opened them too quickly I'd do myself more harm then good.  It was good to be able to see again.  Even if it was dark.
    I shifted and there was a sound beside me.  A sleepy voice called my name softly.  "Megumisan?  Are you all right?"
    I turned my head slightly to see Kaoruchan sitting in the doorway, looking as if she had been on watch and fallen asleep.  I didn't blame her.  It must have been pretty boring for her to watch some woman sleeping off sickness.  She looked at me in the darkness.
    "Hai.  How late is it?"
    "It's after midnight.  You shouldn't be talking.  You need to rest and save your strength."
    "Kaoruchan, I'll be fine.  I know my limits, though I appreciate your concern.  This can't be easy for any of you.  I know you probably don't trust me right now after the way I ran off like that."
    She sighed, looking ahead so I could see her profile in the darkness.  She was a cute girl, I had to admit.  Maybe that's why it was so hard to be nicer to her.  I considered her a rival for Kensan's attention, which wasn't fair to any of us.  Of course I loved him, but neither was it right to force my affections on him.  The truth was, he did seem to care for her very much, but with him it wasn't easy to tell.  He cared about each of us very deeply.  I studied her profile in the faint light, wondering what it would be like to be her.  I wondered if I could ever understand her youthful enthusiasm, or help her understand the way I saw things sometimes.
    "Megumisan, I'm not going to pretend I understand.  I know you had your reasons, but in the past several weeks I've been trying to imagine what it must have been like, and I just can't.  Kenshin won't tell us what happened, and I know he's right, but I still can't help thinking it's not fair.  You're our friend too, and I think we deserve to know.  I won't push you to tell anything but I do want to know.  I mean...  It's just that we've been concerned."
    "Several weeks?"  I was a little shocked.
    "Yes.  You were very sick."  Kaoru looked up at the other figure that had appeared, silhouetted beyond her in the doorway.
    "Kensan."  I smiled up at him, realizing how tired I was already.
    "Megumidono, Kaorudono, you should both be asleep."
    "And what about you, Kenshin?  I was staying with Megumisan in case she needed anything in the middle of the night."
    "I know, but you could have woken one of us when you got tired."
    "I don't need to be guarded.  Kensan, Kaoruchan, I appreciate it, but I'll be okay.  I think I'm going to go back to sleep very soon anyway."  We had been speaking very quietly, which just proved over again that Kensan hadn't lost any of his edge in over ten years.  It never failed to amaze me how skilled he was at everything, from washing dishes to cleaning up messes of a darker, less humane sort.  I smiled up at him in a way I hoped was reassuring.
    "You both should rest.  It doesn't make sense for you both to be sick, does it?"  He smiled down at us, a perfect domestic picture of two sisters staying up talking into the night being scolded by a caring older brother.
    "No, Kenshin, you're right."  Kaoru moved as if to stand up.  "Wow, I'm stiff."   She smiled and rose awkwardly, stretching as she did.  "Megumisan, are you sure you'll be all right without me?"
    I almost wanted to laugh.  Such a sweet girl, for all her hot temper.  "Yes, Kaoruchan, I'm fine.  Kensan's right.  We should both sleep."
    "I'll stay near the door, Kaorudono.  If Megumidono needs anything, she can call me.  I'll hear her."  He smiled reassuringly back at us and Kaoru nodded wordlessly, heading back to her futon in the dojo itself, where she had moved her things to allow me her own room in my convalescence.  I wondered later to her why she hadn't kicked the boys out instead.  She told me that it simply hadn't occurred to her, but I knew better than to pry when she averted her gaze.
    Kensan looked at me a moment longer.  "Megumidono...  Do you want to talk about it?"
    "About...  what happened?"  I saw him nod, silhouetted by the moonlight in the door frame.  It was the kind of moment that made me wish I had a photograph of it, just him standing there in the doorway.  I stopped the thought as it began.  "We should."
    He nodded again and came nearer to me.  Folding himself neatly, he sat cross-legged  by my side, far enough for the sake of propriety, but close enough that I did not have to reach so far to touch his hand should I wish it.  "Megumidono."  His eyes were serious, the innocence gone though his mood was gentle.  He looked at me carefully, watching my eyelids close over my eyes, listening to my breathing.  "We can talk about it later, if you like."
    "Iie, Kensan.  The longer we put it off the harder it will be.  And now there's no one to hear.  I hope."  I opened my eyes again and smiled weakly up at him.  He knew as well as I did that none of us had many secrets in the small dojo.  He nodded and I took a deep breath.  "I guess the only place to start is the very beginning.  I told you what he did to me.  You know the story about how I finally left him.  You were there."  I smiled up at him again.  "And in the past year, I've learned what it is to have a family again.  But sometimes I don't know if I feel like I belong completely.  It gets so hard sometimes, watching the rest of you, and I feel like an outsider.  No, I know you don't think of me that way," I said, turning to look at him. "But it feels that way inside, when I try to imagine what it might be like still with my family...  I may never see them again.  And I want so much to believe I belong, but I never got over what happened, what I was responsible for.  Not completely.  When that storm came, I had to deal with it, to prove to myself that I could, that once and for all I was going to put it all behind me and look forward to a life where I didn't feel the need to be looking over my shoulder at every step."  I closed my eyes and let my head fall back on the pillow.
    "Megumidono, you know you're part of the...  Of us."  I wondered if Kensan had been about to say the Kenshingumi, but it wasn't likely; he never had gotten used to the name.  He had never been stuck on the idea at all, though Yahiko still used the name when he thought Kensan couldn't hear.  I could feel his eyes on me as I opened my own and snaked my hand to rest on top of his.  I heard the slight rustle of his hair as he looked down.  "Megumidono..."
    "Kensan."  I opened my eyes and looked up at him again, trying not to think about the way the faint moonlight looked on his hair.  I looked at my hand on his and sighed.  "I know you're not comfortable with what happened in the tower."
    "I'm not.  I was, but I'm not."  He closed the indigo eyes I loved to look at and sighed.  "I understand what happened, Megumidono..."  His voice trailed off.
    "Kensan...  Kenshin..."  How strange to say his name like that, his real name.  He looked at me, those eyes full of curiosity unmistakable in the darkness.  It must have been strange for him to hear me say it, too.  "I know you don't feel the way for me that -- no, let me rephrase that.  I know you haven't really felt romance for me.  I know that what happened in the tower may have been more of a mistake, an accident of the moment, than anything real.  I hadn't planned it to happen, but then, none of it went as I'd planned.  Come to think of it, I didn't plan very much of it, did I."  I tried to laugh quietly, but it came out more as a strangled choking sound.  I gave it up.
    Kensan had the rueful smile that I'd been trying for.  "Gomen, Megumidono."
    "Don't apologize, Kensan.  No one can control their feelings.  I didn't plan it to happen, but I wanted it, someday.  I needed to know."
    "To know?  To know what?"  Kensan looked confused again.  I shook my head.
    "Many things.  What matters is that I DO know it, everything I needed to know, and that nothing's changed from before it happened between us.  Only that I can accept what was and now, move on to what is.  What happened in that room needed to happen, at least, I believe it did.  And it's done.  You can't change the past, Kensan, only learn from it."  I watched him.  "You taught me that."
    He nodded.  "It's a hard lesson to learn."  He was quiet for a moment, but I knew he wanted to say something more.
    "What is it, Kensan?"
    "I'm concerned for Sano," he said after a long pause.  "It was difficult to get him to stay behind, that night."  He sighed.  "He cares for you very much."
    I sighed.  "I know, Kensan.  I...  He has a good heart."  Kensan seemed to understand what I was not yet able to say, and might not be able to for a long time yet.
    "Megumidono, you should rest.  I'm doing you no good by keeping you awake and talking."  I knew he needed time,  not because he harbored hidden feelings for me, but because he wanted to know if I would handle it so well once I was back to my old self again.  I knew, however, I would never be the same as I had been.  I had suffered no great epiphanies since I'd gone back to the house of my nightmares.  Yet, by the same token, I was also markedly different.  I knew the past was not going to come back and haunt me anymore.  Kanryuu was locked away securely, the Oniwa Banshuu no longer in his pay and thereby no more of a threat to me than any of the rest of the Kenshingumi.  I would no longer be forced to make opium or pleasure for a man who had no heart.
    Most of all, I had friends, who were like a family to me.
    That was the part that hit me the most.  Suddenly I was safe, I had a home.  Whether or not the family I had been born to was alive, I was no longer alone.  And that knowledge was the catalyst.  Of course I would still tease Sanosuke and flirt with Kensan, play the sister to Kaoruchan and Yahikochan.  I was the same person; only my perspective had changed.  But I was too tired to tell Kensan all this; it had hit me as he said it.
    "Hai, Kensan, you're right of course.  But promise me you'll rest also."
    "Hai, Megumidono."  Suddenly he was young and innocent again, smiling at me as he rose effortlessly (what a beautiful animal he was) and turning to go.  "I'll be right outside if you need anything."  I closed my eyes as I listened to him pad quietly away.  The sounds of a futon being moved were the last I heard before I fell asleep, dreaming of a gentle man with long red hair smiling as he watched me tease a taller, younger man with an air of bravado.
    The morning light woke me, warm on my face, and I opened my eyes to the smell of breakfast.
    "Genzaisensei says you can have solid food."  Kaoruchan stood smiling in the door.
    Yahiko popped up behind her.  "I hope you didn't cook it!"
    Kaoru turned and glared at him.  "Shut up you brat!"  She colored.  "Kenshin made it."
    Yahiko looked like he was on the verge of fainting.  "You mean we're safe!?  Go ahead," he said, turning to me.  "Kenshin made them, so you'll live through it."
    "Maa, maa de gozaru yo..."  The chef himself tried to make peace between sensei and deshi, with just as much luck as usual.
    "Grrrrrrr!  Why you..."  Kaoru outdid herself, balancing the onigiri platter using one hand while she pounded Yahiko over the head with her bokken using the other.  She almost made it too, until Yahiko started running.  Kensan's lightning fast reflexes were all that saved the platter from falling to a messy doom.
    "Nice save."  Sano looked over the shorter man's shoulder at my poor breakfast.  "Thanks," he said as he took one nonchalantly and began eating it.  I sighed.
    "Ah, Sano, those are for Megumidono."  Kensan looked embarrassed.
    "They're really good.  I don't think she's well enough yet to eat them all.  She'll need help."  Sano reached for another with his usual smug expression.
    "I think she is."  Sano turned to look at Genzaisensei, who had appeared with his granddaughters in tow.  The doctor smiled and continued.  "But I'm sure there are more where that came from, right?  I'm hungry!"
   "Yeah!!!"  "Hungry!"  Suzumechan and Ayamechan chorused.
    Kensan looked ready to keel over and cry.  Yahiko was still running from Kaoru and Sano watched them, snickering.
    Yes, just another regular morning at the Kamiya Dojo.  At home.