I didn't know if they were aware of me yet, though I stood watching them in plain sight by the front gate of the dojo. It was a very typical day; Kaoruchan was trying to get Yahikochan to practice,  Sanosuke leaned against the porch next to Genzaisensei, who watched over Suzumechan and Ayamechan running and playing. They moved aside and the sun glinted off a familiar cascade of red hair that topped the slight figure bending over the washtub doing laundry.
    Domestic as always, Kensan, I thought with a smile. Kensan had come into my life when I'd quite literally thrown myself at him amongst a roomful of strangers in a plea for help. Admittedly, I'd been hiding a lot at the time, but fortunately, I'd been able to clear that up.
    "Oiy, jouchan, when are we going to eat?" Sano's voice rang out in lazy arrogance, as though he had a right to ask that question.
    "Sano, you just ate!" Kaoruchan didn't break rhythm in her practice as she cast him an exasperated glance over her shoulder.
    Kensan chose that moment to look up and smile at their antics when he saw me.  "Ah, Megumidono, come in!"
    "How long have you been standing there, onna?" Sano asked me, impudent as always. And, as always, I didn't acknowledge his question with anything more than a look of mild disgust.
    "Konbanwa, minna-san," I smiled. If anyone noticed I'd seemed preoccupied, no one said anything.
I made my way to Genzaisensei to let him know I'd closed up the office, since it seemed quiet, and left a note where to reach us in case of an emergency.
    He nodded his approval and went back to watching the girls playing, trying to "help" Kensan with the laundry but mostly just splashing and soaking everything around them, including Kensan who didn't seem to mind much.
    And they call me a fox, I thought. Ah, well.
    Sano burst into my thoughts as rude as ever, "So what did you bring us for lunch anyway?"
    I looked at him, sweet as sugar. "Why, whatever you prepared of course."
    "So you admit it at last!" Yahikochan cackled, grinning like someone's younger brother. Sano advanced on him and I glared but Kaoruchan literally beat us to the punch.
    "Keep practicing!" Her practice sword left a lump on his head.
    Yahikochan grumbled but did as he was told, mumbling something about ugly, annoying, incompetents and why couldn't he be taught by someone like Kensan, when Kaoruchan gifted him with another lump.
    Even Sano had to smile, and I looked at Kensan. He looked so happy, so at home, and I tried to quell the pang rising in my throat. They all belonged here, even Sano, belonged so completely and I felt like an outsider. Yes, these people were my friends, almost like family, but I wondered if I would ever truly belong. Kanryu had made me feel like property. To him, that was what I had been. But here, I almost felt –
    "Megumidono? Are you all right?" Kensan had come over next to me, and though he spoke quietly, I was startled enough to jump.
    "Eh? Oh, sure, I'm fine, Kensan. I was just thinking."
    He looked at me for a moment and nodded. He looked so concerned; I knew that if there was a threat to me, to any of us, Kensan would protect us to the best of his considerable ability.
    "It's Kanryu, isn't it," he said in an even softer voice. I nodded; I'd admitted to him I'd been having nightmares again recently, nightmares where Kanryu had forced me to make his drugs, forced me to tell him how to make them so he might kill me, forced me into his bed. It had not been easy to tell Kensan any of it, and though I suspected Sanosuke knew at least part of it as well, he seemed to have enough brains to keep it to himself.
    "Megumidono, you will tell me if anything happens, won't you." It wasn't entirely a question.
    I looked at him again, studying him for a minute as I nodded and he smiled again. Somehow when he smiled like that it took about ten years off him; he looked sweet, gentle, and youthfully innocent. Not like when he was angry; when he was, he looked every one of his twenty nine hardened years. I knew he too had not had the life of peace and tranquility that Ayamechan and Suzumechan had to look forward to, that his past was in its own way even more traumatic than my own. He was stronger than I in many ways. He could not take his own life; I had tried when I had first met the group that was not exactly known as the Kenshin Gumi.
    I wanted to tell him right then to tell him how much I loved him, but I couldn't, not yet. I thought guiltily of Sanosuke, standing not ten feet away and making his usual snide comments at Kaoruchan and Yahikochan. I did care for the impudent ex-gangster. Possibly I might even learn to love him someday, but neither of us were ready to consider admitting anything even to ourselves.
    Besides, Kensan had Kaoruchan. everyone was sure the two of them were meant for each other. Well, almost everyone.
    Kensan looked back at me then, his mood shifting back into seriousness. "Megumidono, are you sure you're feeling all right?"
    From the intensity of his scrutiny, I knew he'd seen the dark circles under my reddened eyes, knew he'd also noticed the way my shoulders slumped with tension and fatigue, and I self-consciously tried to eliminate those signs of stress that I could, straightening up and smiling, though I knew he'd see through it.
    "Yes, Kensan, I'm fine. I've just been busy and not sleeping as well as I should."
Kensan scrutinized me for a moment more but he knew enough to back down; when I was ready, I would talk. He looked like he was about to say something else when we were interrupted, though it wasn't  unpleasant.
    "Ken-nii!! Play with us!" "Yes, play, Ken-nii!!" Ayamechan and Suzumechan were tugging on Kensan's hands suddenly, and he smiled in that gentle way of his and allowed himself to be dragged off into the yard.
    Genzaisensei and I watched them for several more minutes when a cloud passed over the sun.
    "It looks like it's going to rain soon," Genzaisensei said as we looked up. "I think I'll take the girls home. Are you coming, Megumisan?"
    "If you don't mind, I think I'll stay here at the dojo a little longer," I said. Sometimes I wished he was my grandfather, too, though I was glad to be studying medicine under him and helping out at the clinic.
    He smiled. It's important to be with friends closer to your own age too," he said, and I noticed the concern in his eyes. He continued quietly, "If you need some time off, just ask. No one can expect everything of anyone." He smiled again, that deceptively bland smile of his, and turned to the girls. "Ayamechan, Suzumechan, time to go home!"
    I smiled at the three of them, watching the girls reluctantly leave Kensan and then run happily to the older doctor.
    "Oiy, Fox, sticking around? Good, maybe you can make us something edible for a change!"
    Kaoruchan and Yahikochan were finishing up their practice session; Kaoruchan's glare at Sanosuke could injure seriously, if not kill.
    "I can so cook!" she called indignantly.
    "Yeah, but not well!" Yahikochan grinned.
    "I'd like to see you do better you little brat!"
    "I'll bet I could! Ugly toads who can't teach don't get students and who can't cook don't find husbands either!" Yahikochan's smirk was just as evil as Kaoruchan's glare had been injured and scornful.
    "Who you calling ugly you lazy jerk?"
    Sano and Kensan and I stood on the porch watching the fight escalating as it always did, each smiling in our own way.
    Kensan's expression was that of a benevolent older brother, laughing but just a little embarrassed at his younger siblings' antics. Sano had his usual impudent smirk, and I felt the wistfulness blending in with the amusement on my own face.
    By this time, the entire class of one and sensei had reached the steps, and I looked up again. The clouds were gathering quickly now, and the sky was rapidly growing darker. I couldn't stop the chill that ran down my spine from becoming a shiver.
    "Looks like we're going to be inside for a while," Kensan piped up, but not before I knew he'd seen me. Kaoruchan and Yahikochan were too busy glaring at one another still, but so had Sano.
In his usual tactful manner, he chose to break the near peace that had finally been achieved by deciding to inform me that I should march along to Kaoru's kitchen and make something edible. I had no problems with cooking, and Kaoruchan normally didn't mind letting me, but the way he'd phrased it set her off again.
    Kensan, Yahikochan, and I all shared a glance before I intervened. "Kaoruchan, why don't I show you some of my recipes and we can let the boys be boys?"
    Kensan and Kaoruchan smiled.  They knew exactly who I was talking about. The boys in question both looked like they had been about to say something but I glared and by some miracle, they actually held it in.
    I followed Kaoruchan into the kitchen as I heard the guys bantering about Yahikochan's practice. To be more precise, Sano teased, Yahikochan growled, and Kensan tried to make peace when he wasn't trying not to laugh.
    "Will they never grow up?" Kaoruchan rolled her eyes.
    "It isn't very likely, but who knows?" I replied.
    She looked at me closely, I'm not sure why. Maybe I sounded more tired than I thought, maybe she had other reasons.
    "You didn't really want to show me recipes, did you," she said slowly. "You just wanted to stop us from fighting."
    I smiled at her. "Maybe, but it worked. You do have to admit you do get into more than your share of, well, squabbles. Besides, it's nice to be able to talk to another woman once in a while." I had meant it but now Kaoruchan looked at me like I was plotting something.
    "Okay, what is it really, Megumisan?" she tried to read me, the way Kensan could, but she didn't have his experience, understanding, or observational skills. She also didn't believe me when I tried to reassure that I'd had no ulterior motives, that I wasn't going to threaten her life if she didn't give up trying to get Kensan or anything. She did, however, finally notice the things it had taken only Kensan an instant to see.
    "Hey, Megumisan, are you feeling okay?" She'd gone from suspicious to concerned, and I tried to shrug it off the way I had with Kensan.
    "It's just been rather busy lately, and I haven't been getting enough sleep." I wasn't sure if she'd buy it, but she did let it go either way. She may be young and clueless about many things but she wasn't stupid.
    "As long as you're sure. Ah, Megumisan? I was wondering something lately..."
    As I was about to ask what I could help her with, we were cut off by a familiar sarcastic voice.
    "Oiy, don't you two have anything better to do than sit around and talk?"
    We looked up to see Sanosuke propped up against the door frame. Kaoruchan glared but she wasn't quick enough this time, and I got him suckered with a beautiful setup.
    "Oh, forgive me, you're right, we should be cooking for you shouldn't we."
    Kaoru looked at me, shocked, but Sano looked smug. "Exactly, onna, now you're catching on."
    "Forgive us, Oh Great Sanosuke! Perhaps you should like us then to strip and serve your every whim for always, as is your just due?"
    I thought Kaoruchan was going to try and kill me but I sent her a quick glance that Sano missed. Kensan and Yahikochan had come up behind him, and they too caught the look I'd sent my fellow woman.
    In the meantime, Sano wasn't even blinking. "Of course."
    I stripped off my apron and tossed it over his head. "Then allow me to serve you," I said gleefully," with a summons to the kitchen, to prepare whatever suits your whim!"
    Kaoruchan positively loved it. She looked as smug now as Sano at his worst; I was pleased at the shock on Sanosuke's normally haughty features.
    It actually looked good on him.
    Yahikochan snickered until he was introduced to Sano's foot in his chin. The rest of us had a good laugh at that. I was just grateful no one had made any further comments about stripping. Whatever Sano had been about to say to Yahikochan was drowned out just then by a peal of thunder.  I jumped the tiniest bit but no one seemed to have noticed. Sano was looking at me strangely again, but just then Kaoru remembered she hadn't placed the bucket under the new leak in the dojo roof that she couldn't quite afford to fix just now and ran out with Yahikochan trailing after her curiously.
    I busied myself in the kitchen while Sano and Kensan watched.
    "Megumidono, can I help?" Kensan stood there, looking for all the world like he'd lived his whole life waiting just to offer me his help in the kitchen this very minute.
    Sano snorted his superiority. "I'll just watch but if you want to demean yourself, Kenshin, I'm not the one to stop you." I didn't even look at him as the frying pan I'd been holding accidentally slipped from my hand and went flying over my shoulder by some freak coincidence to get up close and personal with Sanosuke's smug face.
    "Oops," I said innocently. "It seems my hand slipped."
    Kensan chuckled as Sano stormed into the main room and Kaoruchan and Yahikochan came back in, proving without question that it was already raining fairly hard.
    "Wow, Kaoru, you're even uglier when you're wet!" Yahikochan chimed in sweetly as he entered.
    "Of course YOU know about being ugly!"
    Kensan and I smiled at each other at Kaoruchan's indignant shriek.
    "Yare, yare," he said in his quiet voice as he left the kitchen again for the excitement in the main room, leaving me with my thoughts and the sound of the rain.
    Yes, it was enough. I could be happy, I SHOULD be happy, but why couldn't I put Takeda Kanryu out of my head lately? As far as I knew, he was locked away safely, and I had nothing to worry about. So why couldn't I shake the feeling that something was going to happen?
    That's when I realized. "Shimatta..." I whispered. It had been one year ago exactly that I had left this same dojo again. One year ago to the day, I had been sitting, locked alone in a tower with my past and my fears and my knife.
    I decided to both make it a small celebration and put the dark thoughts out of my head by making something special. Limited by Kaoruchan's supplies, I concocted a small feast -- nothing special, but not the same riceballs we usually had.
    When I finally brought out my creation, I wasn't completely surprised to see Kensan setting the table while the others bickered.
    "It wouldn't hurt any of you to help Kensan our once in a while, you know," I commented as I set the food on the table.
    "Ah, it's okay, Megumidono, I don't mind." Kensan had that sweet, bland smile again. He did that a lot, I'd noticed, and it was a look that suited him well. Then again, all looks suited him well.
    Sano beat the others to the table. "Oiy, what's the occasion? Or are you just apologizing to me?"
    "Why should I apologize? I treat you exactly as you deserve." I smiled in response to his glower, but Kaoruchan cut him of with an exclamation of pleasure as she beheld the spread.
    "Wow, Megumisan, this looks good! What IS the occasion?" She leaned in closer and whispered, "And how did you get this from my kitchen? You must be a miracle worker!"
    I smiled and shrugged, trying to look nonchalant at the compliment, but another growl of thunder startled me out of my pleasure.
    Yahikochan didn't bother to say anything beyond, "This is really good! Not like the slop Kaoru makes!" Around a mouthful, she replied with her usual calm and gentle aplomb.
    "I don't see you working your share around here, brat!"
    As I let my hair down from the cap I'd worn to cook, I was watching Kensan. He sat quietly through it all, obviously enjoying himself without the animalistic gusto the others displayed.
    There really is a family here, I thought again with another pang. I wish I didn't feel so outside it. After a year, I know I'm welcome.
    "Megumidono, you've outdone yourself," his soft voice brought me from my thoughts. "Is there something we should be celebrating?" Such a sweet smile, so unlike Sano's scornful smirk.
    "Well, I don't know that it's so much of an occasion, really, only that I realized it's been a year today." My smile quavered a moment at the thunder that was growing louder and closer. We could hear the rain clearly.
    "Oiy, onna-sensei, what are you talking about?" Sano said in his usual delicate fashion.
    "Yeah, that's right!" Yahikochan looked a little surprised, though not as much as I did that he remembered. "A year ago today the Kenshin Gumi kicked butt on the Oniwa Banshu and saved the day for Doc Megumi!" He looked a little smug, proud that he'd remembered, and I was impressed.
    "Hey, that's right!" Kaoruchan remembered now too, and I could see Sano's features darken slightly.
    So he still hasn't quite gotten over that either. Is it me he can't quite forgive, or Kanryu, or himself...?
    Kensan noticed it too, noticed my expression as well as Sanosuke's. He was also wise enough to pretend not to have seen. "It does seem like a good reason to celebrate."
    Yahikochan raised his glass. "To the Kenshin Gumi!"
    "Kempai!" we chorused and drank.
    "To Megumisan!" I looked at Kaoruchan, a little surprised. We were friends, but we were also rivals. I hadn't expected her to toast me, but the others raised their glasses as if it were perfectly natural, and we drank cheers.
    When at last the food was gone with a minimum of fighting, I had almost managed to forget about the storm and the feelings of apprehension that had been plaguing me for days. Genzaisensei was right; being with friends was important for a person's health.
    Yahikochan suddenly decided that it was imperative for him to sit on the porch and watch the rain, just as Kaoru, Kensan, and I started to clear the table and put things away. Sanosuke thought that was an absolutely brilliant idea and might he join Yahikochan?
    "You could offer to help, you know," I called after our errant young men.
    "No they can't, I think it's against their religion or something." Kaoru smiled at me and we laughed. It felt good; for a moment, I almost felt like I truly belonged.
    Kensan left us inside the main room once the clearing was done to watch the rain with the others. I smiled brightly, hoping I could get away with saying simply, "I'm very tired, would you mind if I just lay down for a little while?"
    I didn't want to go out now but I knew I had to get away. Suddenly I felt more than ever that I was intruding.
    "Why don't you watch the rain with us instead?" Kaoru was a good girl, but how could she know? I'd been around her age when the worst had really started.
    "Thank you, but I think I had better lie down, if only for a few minutes." I hoped she didn't see in my eyes what I was really thinking and how scared I really was of the storm.
    She didn't. "I understand. You can use my room if you like." She smiled again and I watched her walk to the porch.
    There's no way you'd let me go out in this, especially if you knew, I thought. It had been a year. I had to face my demons.
    "Hey, Jouchan, where's Megumichan?" I heard Sano's question as I stood out of sight in the doorway to Kaoruchan's room. So he does know my name, after all, I thought as I heard Kaoru telling him what I'd told her and smiled to myself. I walked into the room and heard Sano's voice saying something snide I couldn't quite make out. Then Kensan's reply, something teasing and chiding at the same time.
    I looked around Kaoruchan's room, biting my lip at the frequent thunder that nearly shook the walls. Yes, there in the desk were paper, ink, and brushes.
    I shuddered again at the thunder as I stepped to the desk and sat down, thinking what I might write.
 

Minnasan,
        There are some battles that are not won until all captives are released. Thank you for this past year.  I  hope there will be more to come; if not, please do not forget me.
                                                                 Takani  Megumi